


Jumping Ship

by Nesmiths



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Away Mission Gone Wrong, M/M, Multi, mirror verse visiting prime timeline, pavel ends up with two husbands kind of, pavel meets his mirror self, visiting mirror verse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23405002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nesmiths/pseuds/Nesmiths
Summary: Quarantine has brought great things! It's forcing me to rework this fic (formerly "With you")
Relationships: Mirror Leonard McCoy/Pavel Chekov, Mirror Pavel Chekov/Mirror Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Pavel Chekov/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Sharing is Caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pavel shares  
Leonard shares
> 
> And it's for two entirely different reasons.

“Lyonya,” Pavel said thoughtfully. His hands working through Leonard’s wet-slick soapy hair. He gently tugged the older man down for a kiss. The warm water ran over the two of them in contrast to the temperature regulated tub floor. 

Leonard hummed into the kiss, taking his husband’s wrists in one hand and putting them above him. “Yes, my love?” His eyes flitted over his lover’s frame. 

“I’ve been thinking…” He leaned against the shower wall, looking up at the doctor. He watched his features fight an eye roll and instead form a grin. “...would you ever share me?” 

Leonard was pretty confident with Pavel, enough so that he didn’t take this as some kind of affront to his sexual pride. He was, however, a bit surprised. “Did I hear that right?” He widened the gap slightly between them as he wasn’t sure exactly how to feel.

Pavel licked his bottom lip, glancing up at his pinned arms. “You heard me, Leo.”

Leonard, had he been on earth, would run into the nearest church and thank god for gracing him with his husband. “Oh, like who?”

“I haven’t really thought that far ahead.” Pavel wiggled his wrists free to playfully poke at Leo’s nose. 

Suddenly, as if the universe was trying to interrupt this conversation, the com pinged. “Kirk to Mccoy.”

“That absolute co-” Mccoy stopped himself short as Pavel pressed the com button.

“Yes, Keptin.” He tried his hardest to not sound cranky at the interruption. 

“Ah, good morning, Chekov could you send Mccoy down to medbay to gear up.” The Captain’s voice came through the com. 

Mccoy grumbled an “of course” mostly to himself than to Jim.

“He can hear you, Keptin. Chekov out.” He released the com but not before hearing a big sigh come from the other side. 

“Goddamned, cotton-picking son of a -” Mccoy groaned as he ran the towel through his hair. “Can’t get a whole minute alone….”

Pavel poked his head out of the shower, a pout on his face. “Don’t be like that, Leo.” 

The mere idea of upsetting his husband caused his annoyance to crumble. After pulling his shirt on he leaned in to kiss Pavel’s cheek. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I’ll be home soon, hopefully.” 

“Just smile, Leo.” 

Leonard managed a smile for him before leaving the bathroom. He took his time leaving their quarters, not really wanting to know what exactly he was ‘gearing up’ for. With James T. Kirk as a captain and a friend, this could be anything from an away mission or an impromptu drinking session. And if it was the latter, Bones just might kill him.

The doors to the medbay opened in front of him, the subtle swish was enough to pull him from his thoughts. 

“The Captain has shared that you may need to speak with me.” Spock’s voice immediately greeted him from behind his desk.

The doctor tried not to groan. That green-blooded bastard was in his chair and he wanted to pick his brain. “I’d rather not, Spock.”

“It would be best if you would allow me to help you, Doctor. The Captain needs his navigator on the bridge and his Chief Medical Officer here on a regular basis. So please, Dr. Mccoy, take a seat.” 

Leonard sat across from his friend. “Of course.” He grit out.  
“You never came to see me for a formal diagnosis, but as your friend, I have been paying attention. You do exhibit symptoms that could be interpreted as a post-traumatic stress disorder. Do you have nightmares, Leonard?” 

The doctor stayed silent, just shaking his head. 

“You do, however, have flashbacks during the day. Is this correct?”

“Yes, bein’ by myself there’s nothing else to think about.” Leonard begrudgingly admitted, “but I can handle it.”

“That is logical. Do you think these episodes happen due to the absence of Lieutenant Chekov during the day? Maybe your subconscious cannot separate your actions in the other universe from our Chekov. Do you feel as if he may not return from his duties at the end of the day?” Spock leaned back in his chair, folding his legs as he waited for a response. 

“That’s a hell of a lot of assumptions there, Spock.” The doctor tensed. 

“Your reaction does seem to validate my conclusion, Doctor. However, the willful stubbornness you are exhibiting is going to make it hard to make a formal diagnosis and treat you.” 

“That other...Pavel attacked my husband and I had to kill him.”The doctor’s voice was uneasy, bordering on some kind of breakdown. “I didn’t know who I was shooting at...Spock, I could’ve killed him.”

The Vulcan nodded, taking a moment before speaking. “I do believe the report states that you were attacked as well.” He picked up the mission report from his desk. “Being attacked by someone that you would only know to be a loved one can be traumatic to humans. Having to respond with violence, as Jim would say, adds salt to the wound.”

“No shit, Spock.” Leonard somehow managed to tense up further. His body language signaling an explosion in 

3… 

2… 

Tears spilled from the doctor’s eyes. The prodding, albeit necessary, was too much for him to handle.

“Sometimes, in these situations, there’s nothing a person can do. In your case, you were able to do something. I am sure the rest of the crew that day would agree with me in saying that you made the right choice.”

Leonard cleared his throat in a poor attempt to compose himself. His mind was already flashing scenes of that day like a film reel. 

X

“Kirk to enterprise, three to beam up. Two down.” He flipped his tricorder closed. 

Leonard was face down on the filthy carpeted floor. His arm was still out holding the phaser toward the other two men. His body was uncomfortably still and his consciousness slowly fading. 

Pavel was sitting across the room, slumped against the wall, just staring on. His mirrored self was laying at his foot, face nearly burned off from the phaser’s impossibly high setting. There was a pool of dried blood from where Pavel had gotten off of the floor. The knife had been discarded beside him.

The only reason the Captain knew he was alive is that he was squeezing his arm, which he later found out had been stabbed.

Pavel couldn’t make his body move, except for his hand which was currently squeezing his arm so hard he was creating a welt.

X

“McCoy…” Spock said rather loudly. The boom of his voice seemed to snap the doctor back to metaphorical earth.

“I see it when I’m awake, in my dreams, and in his face sometimes.”

“What are you seeing in his face, Leonard?”

“The other Pavel, his face… after I shot him.” The doctor stood from his chair. “This is too much, I’m done today.”

The Vulcan seemed to accept that. “Will you return for another session?”

“I’ll be back. I just can’t handle anymo-” The ship shook as if it were hit by a sizable meteor or even another ship. 

Spock braced himself on the desk, hitting the com. “Spock to bridge. Captain, did we hit something?”

“Sulu is running a scan, but as far as I can see it’s desolate out there.”

“Captain our scans are showing clear airspace for miles,” Sulu responded. “I don’t know what stopped us.”

“I will be right up, Spock out.” He released the com. “You’re still on leave…” Spock reminded the doctor. 

“Understood.” Leonard swallowed his pride with a nod.


	2. In search of Pavel

Somewhere in the stars, in another reality, Leonard closed his lover’s casket. He stood over him in the observatory long after long after everyone had filed out. The doctor’s voice was hoarse from screaming at the stars as if something out there could or would even hear him. 

It was important for Pavel to be given a warrior’s funeral. Somewhere Leonard’s callous exterior failed him, as he let out a small smile remembering that. His warrior husband, stubborn as sin, and tough as nails for a man standing in at 5’5. He had an attitude fit to rule. If only he didn’t have such a hot-head, just like the day he died. Fighting was his form of relaxing, generally winning, but always needing stitches. He rolled his eyes, noting how behind this ship’s technology was. 

A whimper escaped his lips, as the dread started to set in, like a vice wrapped around his gut. His last memories of Pavel felt wrenched away from him, as they weren’t his to have.

X

“Mornin’ little fighter…” Leonard’s eyes trailed his lover’s form in the blankets. His southern accent a little thicker, voice a little gruffer. The human-sized lump stirred “Hmm?” he buzzed, perhaps a little confused sounding. 

“Sorry, Leo… Did I kick you last night?” Pavel stretched and pouted. “Didn’t hurt you, did I?”

The older man’s eyebrow popped in reaction to this new sweet demeanor. “No… are you okay?” He looked up at Pavel from his side. 

Pavel laughed. “You’re weird this morning. Give me a hug, weirdo.” He learned over and unceremoniously plopped onto Leonard’s chest. 

Leonard couldn’t help the small giggle that erupted as he caught him. He didn’t know what this new attitude was, but he certainly loved this side as much as Pavel’s dominant side. “Aren’t you just…” He was unsure if he should push it.

“A what, Lyonya?” His face still plastered with a goofy grin.

Leonard was a bit afraid that this was a challenge but nuzzled his cheek anyway playfully. “..a little bucket of sunshine this morning.” He winced, waiting for a stray hand or something. 

“For you, of course. For keptin, perhaps not so much.” He said, remembering something. “Da, the audacity of making me get home late to you.”

Leonard, sensing something was wrong, sat up. “Pavel, your rank…” 

The man frowned, sliding off of Leonard’s chest. He sat up as well and looked at him. “Lieutenant Pavel Chekov, you know, of the starship Enterprise. Why are you being so strange this morning?” 

He surveyed this Chekov, so harmless and weak. “Oh good Christ.” He pinched his temples. “We must’ve warped past a black hole…” Leonard was well aware of how that may sound if this universe’s technology was still new.

“You’re insinuating ...that this is a new universe, Leonard?” Pavel cocked his head to the side, seeming to take this all in. After a moment he straightened up. “Where am I?”

“The ISS Enterprise of the Terran Empire.” He said carefully. “And you need to be careful.” His voice adding some accidental concern. Apparently, he was protective of every version Pavel.

“...but other universes are just a theory.” Pavel now cautiously got out of bed, grabbing for his clothing, unsure of the type of danger he was in. “Where is my Leo? Why must I be careful?”

“My Pavel can smell weakness for miles. If he sees you he won’t give you a chance.” Leonard averted his eyes from this new, sweet version of Pavel. He knew he didn’t stand a chance. “I’m not going to help you.”

Pavel nodded, trying to recall where Leonard might have gone last night and where he may be now. “This is… understandable. Thank you.” He felt like this stranger could change his mind any second and decided to leave. Leonard was fond of the observatory, and hopefully, it would be empty this early in the morning. 

X

Leonard knew Pavel died the way he wanted, in battle, but it was a ‘goddamned battle he instigated for no damn reason’. He’d say that if anyone on this forsaken ship had the capacity to understand it. They didn’t and Leonard wasn’t an angel either, he was complicit in everything the empire had done. Every single time he patched up Pavel or any other member of this ship, he knew it was like giving them the okay to destroy innocent villages and torture those unfortunate enough to be in their path.

X

The next morning Leonard sat behind his desk, safely tucked away at the back of the medbay, waiting for the inevitable swarm of bodies for the day. He circled his finger over his padd as if absentmindedly scribbling. He had a theory of how he met this new Pavel, as something similar had happened not long ago on the ISS. 

He swiped his fingers, prodding the layers of information in his padd until he came to the report he wanted. He skimmed most of the notes until he landed on “The event of universal travel seemed to be caused by both ships taking up the same space-time within only a few milliseconds, a statistical improbability, that was first discovered in 2267 when Emperor James Kirk accidentally transported into a universe of peace that closely related to the free love campaigns of the 1960s.” 

Considering it’s been weeks since the incident it’s unlikely that the other Enterprise hasn’t at least moved an inch, making this practically impossible to pull off for the CMO. It’s not like he could enlist help as they’d murder him for treason. The doctor leaned on his arms, putting his face in his hands, thinking. Even if he did manage to jump to another universe, it might not be the one he’s aiming for.


	3. Its you, again

“Home already, Leo?” Pavel called from their kitchen. He picked up his synthesized peppermint tea. He frowned a little when there was no response and stepped out of the doorway. “Leo?”

Leonard stood in the middle of the living room, shirt half off as he was getting ready to go to bed. He froze upon Pavel’s entrance. “Pavel?”

“Um...da?” 

He took a deep breath. “This isn’t the ISS is it?” He pulled his shirt back over himself. “This is so fucked.”

Pavel took a step back. “I’m sorry…” He wasn’t sure what else to say. What could he say, ‘I’m sorry I had a hand in killing myself because he almost killed you’?

Leonard seemed taken aback at Pavel’s nervousness. “I don’t care what universe this is, I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t seem to stop apologizing or at least wanting to as the guilt washed over him. “You can stay here until you have the opportunity to go home.” 

“Truthfully, I don’t really have a home anymore. If you could make sure I get dropped off on earth, god willing it’s not a wasteland, I would be grateful.”

Pavel was having a hard time looking at this Leonard. He was hardened from battle, obviously rattled by the things he’d seen. “That… does not seem correct.” He thought for a moment for the right words. “...it does not seem like the right thing to do.”

“I don’t see how I could stay here.”

“You are still my husband, Lyonya.” The look on his face was a twist of guilt and maybe admiration? No, sympathy… or something between the two. Leonard couldn’t quite make it out. “You shouldn’t have to be alone out here, it’s not fair. This may be strange, but I’m sure even stranger things have happened.” 

“Is this happening right now?” Leonard didn’t believe his ears. With his luck, he was sure he’d be booted back to his universe any second. 

“Only if you want it to.”  
Leonard didn’t seem to believe in much of anything as his reality faltered to two soft hands on his cheeks gently pulling him down into a kiss. This Pavel’s lips were pillow-soft, the kiss itself comforting; a welcomed difference to the bruising, biting kisses he’d once received. His own hands trailing down the younger man’s sides to wrap around his waist.

“What?” It was almost a whisper. Mccoy’s brain almost couldn’t process the sight before him. “Pasha, what?”

Pavel pulled away from his mirrored husband. “Leo… It’s…” He struggled for the right words. “You have to understand.”

Leonard had the sense enough to back up from Pavel. He didn’t say a word.

“What the fuck is my life?” He rubbed his temples. “What am I supposed to even say about this? Pasha, work with me here. Help me understand this absolute bullshit.”

Tears welled up in Pavel’s eyes. “Leo, I love you. When you hurt, I do too. He needs us.” If he could’ve poured all of his feelings into words, better words, he would’ve. He only hoped his husband understood. “Please”.

Mccoy didn’t quite follow but faltered only because he could see how strongly his husband felt. “Pasha, I don’t think I like this.”

“Would you turn me away?” Pavel’s voice wavered.

X

“Can’t sleep too?” Mccoy didn’t turn around, content on watching the stars in the observatory.

Pavel rolled his eyes. “I’d be asleep if I wanted to be.” He wrapped his arms around Mccoy’s waist from behind. “You’re too soft, Leo.”

“Ooooh-kay” He raised his eyebrows. “What’s gotten into you, grumpy-pants?” He leaned back into the hug.

“You’re testing me, Leo.” He growled lowly. 

“What do I get if I fail, sunshine?” He sucked in a harsh breath as he felt teeth graze his neck. “I could work with that.” 

Pavel grinned. “tlhIlHal” 

“When’d you learn Klingon?” 

“Terran Academy, just like you, idiot.”

Leonard turned his head to see Pavel in his periphery. “Terran?” There was a knife to his throat in seconds.

“I knew I could smell weakness on you.” He kept his arm firmly around his waist. “What brings you here?”

“Pavel this isn’t fun anymore, what the FUCK are you doing?”

“Oh, you don’t know” He huffed. “Now it’s less fun for me.”

Leonard stilled, unsure if it was an inability to fight Pavel or if his brain just short-circuited due to his husband threatening him like this. 

“You came to the wrong universe, sweetheart.”

X

Leonard must’ve waited a little too long to answer because Pavel was already heading for the door.

“No!” He called after him, knowing very well he would. Whatever that Pavel was, he didn’t compare to the beautiful human he’s come to know in this universe. “I wouldn’t… You’re right. Please don’t go.”

Pavel turned to look at Leonard, his Leonard. “Do not make me leave him like this.” His eyes focused on his husband’s. 

“We just, need to…” Leonard raked a hand through his hair, still not sure if he had a grasp on the situation. “We gotta talk about this.”

Mccoy finally spoke up from the sidelines. “I know I’m not supposed to be here.” 

The two men’s heads turn to their universe-jumping friend. He was looking down at his hands, picking at them; one of many nervous habits he’d picked up. This man, besides looks, seemed nothing like Leonard. His demeanor wasn’t confident, there was no shine in his eyes. They looked on as his hands fumbled with his fingers uncomfortably. 

“I just wanna go back to earth, is all.” The man just wanted to avoid trouble. He was well aware that this universe’s relationships weren’t his to complicate. Mccoy just wanted to exist on a better timeline, one where Pavel was alive and happy. 

Leonard was uncomfortable, essentially seeing himself a mess. “We’ve got shore leave in about two months. Stick around until then, and try not to bring any attention to yourself before I talk to Kirk.”

“Emperor?” Mccoy asked nervously.

“This ain’t a monarchy. ” Leonard returned his attention to Pavel. “...and I ain’t comfortable with you kissin’ on him. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I need to talk to Spock.” 

X

Leonard stepped onto the bridge and right into the middle of Spock’s brainstorming. 

“Doctor Mccoy, what brings you to the bridge?” Spock didn’t turn away from his station.

Kirk stood from his command chair. “It’s good to see you up and around, Bones” His friend greeted him with a smile. “While you're here, any ideas on what we managed to hit?”

“Captain, with all due respect, if I cannot come to a conclusion it’s hardly logical that the doctor would know.”

“That’s actually what I came up here for. “ Leonard shot a look at Spock, grumbling something about him bein’ a smartass. 

Spock only raised an eyebrow.

“Moving the hell on, We got a straggler from that universe.”

“That would mean, somehow seemingly by chance, this ship is mirroring our own.” The alien broke his silence, although correct, Leonard still huffed.

“So we’re pretty much connected like magnets.”

“It’s a highly improbable situation, but I suppose it is possible by chance to just be on the same course.”

“Any ideas on how to send this straggler back?” The Captain looked to his two officers. 

“Well, there probably is a way, but we shouldn’t,” Leonard spoke, trying to interject before Spock spoke. “They don’t want to go back.”

“I suppose proper accommodations could be arranged, but I would like to meet your new friend.” James stretched. “I need to get off this bridge anyway.”

“That’s all well an’ good, Jim, but I’m not sure you’re ready for the the..um...mindfuck.”

“Let’s walk and talk. Catch me up to speed, Bones.” He slapped a hand on his friend’s back and began walking to the lift. 

“It’s me, Jim.” 

“No shit it’s you.” The Captain rolled his eyes. “I can see you”.

“No, dammit Jim, the straggler...it's me” Leonard groaned.

“Well, this complicates things.” The doors to the lift opened. “Is he at least safe? That universe was pretty ruthless.”

“He’s a damned wreck.” The doctor tried to steady his rising discomfort, slight anger perhaps? “Almost harmless…” He continued.

“Jealous…?” 

“With all due respect, Jim, Shut up.” He said as they came to his quarters. With a silent prayer, he pressed the button to open the doors.

Pavel was vacuuming, everything seemed pretty normal. 

Leonard let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, silently grateful they hadn’t walked into what he had earlier today. The white noise of the vacuum stopped as Pavel pulled the cord. “Keptin, welcome.” He smiled as he wrapped the cord. “Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable”.

“You’re aware these floors are self-cleaning, lieutenant?” Jim took a seat on the couch. 

“I have that function turned off. I like to clean for Leo.” He explained, rolling the vacuum into the closet.

The captain shrugged. “So where’s your new friend?”

“He’s showering right now. I laid some of your clothes out for him, I hope that’s alright” Pavel was almost apologetic about it as he sat down by his husband.

Though, that still didn’t seem to stop Leonard from spitting out “You gonna give ‘em the rest of my life too?”

Before anyone could say anything else Kirk slapped his knees offering a loud “Well…” He breathed out. “I’d really like to meet him.”

About five minutes of awkward silence passed before the bathroom door opened. Mccoy was obviously a little startled by the full living-room as he stepped out. He was wearing one of Leonard’s black t-shirts and sweatpants. The shirt was a slightly tighter fit than it would’ve been for Leonard, as Mccoy had just a bit more muscle tone.

“Doctor Mccoy.” Pavel glanced at his husband, hoping that addressing the ‘mirrored’ one this way wouldn’t cause an issue. Though he was sure, after what he’d done, there’d be no comfortable way to address him. “This is Captain Kirk.”

The Captain stood up to greet him. “It’s good to meet you, I’m sure you’ll get along great here. Is it safe to assume you’d like a position here, somewhere on board?” He thought for a moment. “Perhaps with my science officer Spock, in the labs?”

Mccoy knew he wasn’t really in a position to say no right now, stubbornness wouldn’t earn him any good graces. These people were far nicer than he expected, as is. “Of course, as long as I have a place.” And honestly, Mccoy knew that’s what he needed; a proper place in a better society. 

“We’re always happy to take in another new face,” Kirk said with a warm smile. “We’ll get you set up soon with your new position and training tomorrow. For now, let me show you to your quarters.”


	4. Vague attempts at moving on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pavel gives Mirror Bones a nickname, Kelley. 
> 
> Kelley is trying to move on.

It had been a week since Mccoy had been in this universe. He’d like to think he was settling in well as his new position was relatively easy and being around this Spock wasn’t as bad as he expected. 

As the time ticked by he found himself standing in engineering working through an issue with a warp core reactor; a few cadets and Spock standing by. Although this wasn’t his typical space on the ship he’d overhead a few newbies in engineering had an issue and happily offered up an impromptu class. 

“Impressive, Mccoy” Spock praised as the man pulled himself out of the warp shaft. “I hope your students are able to remember for next time. So they can go on unassisted.” 

Mccoy was getting used to the way Spock gave compliments; first something nice and then a small pinprick of a jab. It was easier to digest than what he’d experienced before. “Thank you, Spock.” He nodded before clasping his hands together, seeming to thrive in this environment. “Is there anything else I should do before heading back to my quarters?”

“You are dismissed.” Spock waved his hand with a slight raise of his brow. He wasn’t sure if he liked the Bones that could take instructions or the one who couldn’t.

With that, Mccoy turned the corner heading down the hall. As he was coming up on his hallway, he noticed Pavel waiting for him. He tried to stop and turn the corner, but he’d already been noticed.

“Kelley” Pavel called making Mccoy stop in his tracks. Kelley was the name Pavel had given him, essentially a playful nickname, during one of the few times this past week they were actually around each other.

Being around Pavel was becoming less and less painful by the day, though still uncomfortable. He’d always have to remind himself that his husband was dead and that this Pavel was never his. Mccoy was unclear if this Pavel understood this as well.

“Pas-” He cleared his throat. “Pavel.” He acknowledged, walking towards his quarter’s door. “What’re you doing here?” 

“I would like to see you more often.” The redhead watched his foot trace a pattern into the carpet, obviously a little worried about Kelley’s reaction.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He squeezed his shoulder, awkwardly, looking for a way to leave this conversation. “My husband is dead. I need to accept that.”

Pavel looked up at him. “You’re right, I’m not him.” He reached up to run his fingers across an old scar that outlined his throat. “I wouldn’t hurt you.”  
Kelley gently took Pavel’s hand and dropped it away from himself. “Don’t...” It felt as if Pavel just reaffirmed his position of being damaged, defective even. He couldn’t make it in his own universe. He was too soft. Anything his husband did was to help him. “Don’t talk about him like that.” 

The younger man held his hand to his chest. “I’m sorry, I just don’t think you deserve to be hurt like that.”

“You should go,” Kelley said coldly, walking right by Pavel and into his quarters. He leaned against the doors as soon as they were closed, not at all happy with his own emotional response to Pavel. He meant well, or at least he thought he did. Pavel was too caring for his own good, and as much as he wanted to at least be around him, Kelley knew it wasn’t conducive to moving on.

Pushing his thoughts to the wayside he managed to walk away from his quarters doors. Kelley lazily walked to and fell onto his bed. Technically the day wasn’t half over, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to deal with whatever the rest of today had for him.

X

It took Pavel a good forty-five minutes to leave the hallway and think about returning home. He didn’t really allow himself to make it that far, stopping short of his hall in favor of the observation deck. He sat down against the large window, not really interested in the stars but the empty space. 

He began to try to unravel these feelings.

Pavel knew his guilt stemmed from their unfortunate first meeting which resulted in the death of the mirrored version of himself. He didn’t need Spock to tell him that, but somewhere in his subconscious, he felt the need to pick up the pieces for Kelley. 

Logically he knew this was slowly tearing him and Leonard apart as he hadn’t really been paying too much attention to his husband anymore. This fact did make Pavel feel awful, but that didn’t detract from the fact that he couldn’t stand to see any version of his husband in pain. Maybe it was the fact that since the incident Pavel had been so far into dealing with Leonard’s own trauma that he didn’t take the time to process his own. He did watch himself die. Not only that; he watched himself die on top of him.

Pavel’s eyes reddened, tears threatened to fall, as he finally pinpointed the issue head-on.

Before he could even comprehend what was happening, Pavel was sobbing into his sleeves. He kept seeing himself with the phaser wounds over and over again, the image carved into his forefront and the guilt poured into him at once. 

He didn’t have to kill him. If he could’ve just fought better, subdued his mirrored self like they’re trained to. Always subdue a threat if you have the option to, always stun first.

It was his fault Leonard took that shot. 

“Pasha?” Leonard’s voice startled him.

“H-huh?” He sniffled, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes.

“Darlin’ are you in here?” Leonard stepped through the doors. “Computer, lights” He commanded.

The room’s lights turned on one by one, emitting a dimmed ambiance. Generally, the observation deck was used to relax and have a few drinks in so the lights weren’t made to be obscenely bright. 

Pavel looked across the room. “Lyonya, I’m sorry.” His tears had slowed with some effort. The lieutenant was trying his best to speak clearly. “I’m sorry for being distant.”

Leonard didn’t say much as he closed the gap between them, walking across the room. He sat down next to him. “Me too…”

“I made things so much worse.” Pavel blinked back a few tears. “...just wanted to make things better. I didn’t really think about it, just can’t stand seeing you so..upset. Either of you.”

The older man wrapped an arm around Pavel’s shoulders and pulled him closer. “Just because I didn’t like it, doesn’t mean I didn’t understand.”

Pavel leaned into him. “I know he isn’t my husband, but I am still responsible for his pain.”

“If anything, we got him out of a bad situation. And we all need to recover from it.” Leonard kissed his forehead. “We’re okay.”

The younger man knew this wasn't the end of whatever task he'd thrust upon himself, and that realization stung. His inability to see Leonard, any Leonard, suffering may end up causing everyone to suffer. "Are we?" He asked wearily.


	5. Goodnight, Leo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pavel makes a mistake. Leonard finally shares his real feelings. Pavel makes a choice.

It was the middle of the night, or at least when what the Captain calls the ‘graveyard shift’ starts. Pavel knew he should either be in bed or with Leonard, who was probably in bed anyway around this time. 

Instead he found himself in a Rec Area looking for a drink. 

As luck would have it, he wasn’t the only one.

Kelley sat on a grey couch, drink in hand, and focused hard on the padd on his lap.

Pavel hesitated, stepping back as if the motion would make him disappear. It wouldn’t, he didn’t, and when he returned his gaze to the man he found that was looking back. 

“You just gonna stand there, or are you going to help me with this?” Kelley offered a smile, nudging his padd forward. “Spock sent me a series of alien plants to study for possible medicinal use in humans.”

The younger man nodded, unsure what to say. He crossed the room feeling as if his own internal awkwardness about this situation would crush him. He just wanted to be alone tonight so he could think about things without doing something he’d regret. “So, which plants are we looking at?”

“For starters, the Berthold flower, or Omi Plant. It grows in Omicron Ceti III and evolved to protect its inhabitants from Berthold radiation; in addition it sustains all general health needs. Apparently, after the samples were removed from the planet they lost most of their potency.”

Pavel thought for a moment, leaning in to see Kelley’s padd. “Was there only one sample taken and was it properly sealed before transport back to the ship?”

“There were three samples taken at different times, all sealed with different methods. It turns out the plant emits spores that can penetrate most known materials. Obviously, Starfleet hasn’t put in the time yet to test every known material with it, but the ones we’ve tried haven’t worked. It doesn’t help that the spores penetrate human skin, too.”

Kelley’s newfound confidence made the younger man smile. “Look at you…”

“Look at me…?” He questioned, setting his padd on the table. “Why?”

“It’s only been two weeks, and Spock already trusts you. You’ve clearly already earned a spot in our medical division...” Pavel looked up at him. “So, yeah, look at you.” He near whispered, getting caught up in his adoration. 

Kelley found himself looking back into Pavel’s eyes. “We shouldn’t…” He murmured.

That guilt sunk back in, low in Pavel’s belly. He leaned forward despite himself. “..I know.”

Something in Kelley broke finally, causing him to close the remaining distance between their faces. As quick as it began it was over, with Kelley pulling back fast as if he could undo the action. “Go home, Pavel.” His words were barely audible. It took every bit of self restraint he had just to say them. “..go home.”

The younger man straightened up in his seat. His eyes no longer meeting Kelley’s. “Good luck with your study..” He stood up to leave, in an attempt to maintain whatever pride he had left, whatever wasn’t lost in that kiss. 

Now, Pavel decided he would go home. 

He could barely bring himself to walk that way, to his overly trusting husband. The man who has enough faith in him despite knowing his feelings. Are these the perks of open honesty? Though, Pavel doesn’t quite feel honest right now. 

It was barely a kiss. Part of his mind was trying to reassure him.

...but there was intent. He was well aware of his intentions. Those that would surely, if he believed, would send him straight to hell. He exhaled a sigh as he lazily pressed a full hand on the com to his door. “Leo, open up.” His voice struggled to maintain his normal tone. 

Things weren’t normal anymore. It worried Pavel to think he might be changing for the worst. Leonard didn’t deserve that; not while he was left to pick up the pieces of his own trauma by himself. 

The doors slid open for him without further comment, but Leonard wasn’t there to greet him. He was sure it was all in his head, but their home felt cold now. Where there was an abundance of loving warmth now felt frigid and empty. 

“Leo?” Pavel called out, stepping through the doors. He turned the corner to their bedroom to find an empty bed. 

“Sorry, Darlin. I’m in here.” Leonard called from the kitchen. “Makin’ coffee, can’t sleep.”

The younger man made his way into the kitchen. He leaned on the doorway, watching his husband carefully scoop coffee into a filter. “Is something wrong?”

“That’s...I don’t like that question.” He said casually as he pressed a few buttons on the coffee maker. It was the one item Leonard had insisted upon when they moved in together. Replicated coffee was apparently a deal breaker. “That’s loaded…”

Pavel clasped his hands behind his back. "...it doesn't have to be." 

"I'm trying not to hate you, because it's not fair...but dammit Pasha I'm having the hardest time trying to deal with this. If you want to go, just go." Leonard's voice wavered as he continued his task, picking up the fresh cup of coffee. "Just leave. This is killing me." 

The younger man just stared at him. 

"You don't think I know where you've been going?" Leonard spoke, forcing his tone to be even. Even if he were hurt he wouldn't yell at Pavel. "I can't do this."

"Leonard...I.." Pavel, finally, was at a loss. 

"He's not your husband, Pasha. God, are we the same or is there something I’m missing? Is there something wrong with me."

The younger man stared. He’d never seen Leonard so unsure of himself. His husband undoubtedly mulled over any perceived faults while he’d been gone. It made Pavel sick, he was driving his husband insane. 

“Please, just say anything.” Leonard’s voice shook him out of his thoughts. He’d never heard such a hopeless plea from his husband. His husband who almost always put on a strong front, even when things got weird, especially so lately. 

It’s all starting to wear him thin, but Pavel knew he should’ve caught it a long time ago. He was just too wrapped up in Kelley, fixing Kelley. Pavel knew he was wrong, but to be fair timelines were never meant to come together like this. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, it is me,” Pavel unclasped his hands, letting them fall to his side. “And I don’t think I deserve to be liked right now,” He swallowed hard. “I think, for your sake, we should take some time for ourselves. I haven’t been fair to you.”

“Is this th-”

“No” Pavel said quickly. “I love you, but you need some time away from me. I am not good for you right now..” Now it was Leonard’s turn to not say anything, completely lost in Pavel’s words. He didn’t expect them, nor did he want to agree with them, but Pavel could tell that he did at least a little bit. 

After a few minutes Pavel spoke up again. “I want you to keep these quarters, I will put in for a temporary room transfer. Goodnight, Leo.” 

Leonard watched his husband leave the room, his ears following his footsteps all the way until he heard the front doors sway shut. Goodnight sounded a hell of a lot like goodbye.


End file.
